It’s late at night and I’m alone in the house with warm acoustic folk/pop music playing in the background. I’m feeling a little sentimental so I reach for some old journals and remember where I’ve been.
As I read, my eyes fall to an old journal entry that captures the current late night mood. I thought I’d share it, in case you’re reading this late at night and you’re alone in your house with warm acoustic folk/pop music playing in the background, feeling a little sentimental and this entry captures your current mood.
I couldn’t shake the three words they bitterly said to me, I couldn’t shake all my thoughts that came after. But writing helps, so I wrote:
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“You never change”
That shouldn’t matter. It’s not about me changing, it’s about you being able to love me as I am. And if you can’t, I don’t want it. I don’t want the type of love you’re willing to give.
“You never change”
It means you’ve been expecting me to. You’ve been waiting for me to. You want me to. As if you’ve been loving me this long in wait for your ideal version of me. It means I’m not enough right now, this moment.
“You never change”
It seems who I am isn’t enough, or it’s too much. Who I am right now is too much of a burden and all the love and grace you’ve given me has a limit, we’re reaching that limit. The person I am right now isn’t worth anymore grace and love.
I never say sorry.
I love to argue.
I love to pick away at people.
I never change.
“You never change”
But I want to. I want to be more patient, more loving. I want to be gentle and soft. I want it to be natural, effortless. But it’s not. It has taken me so much work to get to the point I am right now, which is still nowhere close to where I want to be.
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I wrote this a couple of years ago, after a fight with someone I care about. My relationship with this person hasn’t improved, but I have. Since the time of writing that entry, I am a lot closer to where I want to be.
There’s two kinds of change. It can either be unhealthy, taking you away from yourself, becoming someone you’re not to please another. And there’s healthy change, growing closer into your full self and being accepted for it — or being content enough with yourself not to be broken by people who don’t accept it.
Give yourself permission to change, but give yourself grace for the long process.
Sooooo good! Love the person you are Janele and growing to be! You inspire so many others to be a better version of themselves.
Sometimes I feel like parts of me “never changes”, and they are the parts that I don’t want to keep, but then its so cool to see how the Lord has shown me humility. He reminds me that I am human and in need of Him!
There’s def parts of me that never seem to change try as I might, it either means I’m still growing or those are parts I need to learn to love.