My sister sent me a text once.

when thinking about giving something: “here’s a thing i got you that i put a lot of thought and effort and love behind and wanted to give to u because i know you would enjoy it and love it and i want to spread joy because i love u”

when giving it: “yea i just dug this out of the trash but i don’t want it so u can have it i guess”

I read it and laughed. But it’s true. I’ll offer a gift to someone, “It’s just a small thing, nothing really, no big deal.”

Even if it’s a necklace I made, a thin cord with a slender glass bottle only an inch in length, containing sand from one of my favorite places to sit and listen and be present.

Even if it’s a book I searched for at several bookstores because I hoped its words would hug you the way it hugged me.

Even if it’s a tapestry that I saw at a market and my eyes widened as I instantly thought of you and your own beauty-loving eyes.

Gifts are valuable forms of expressing affection for me. Gifts can reveal how I feel about another person, how I see them, how I care for them.

But sometimes expressing affection prompts feelings of vulnerability. And vulnerability is scary. It’s the risk of rejection. What if the gift isn’t received well? They don’t care much for it, meaning they don’t care much for me. So to minimize the risk, I minimize the sentiment of the gift.

I don’t want to reveal how much the gift matters to me, how much the receiver of the gift matters to me. I’m scared the feelings may not be reciprocated.

It’s an understandable fear. But by avoiding the risk of rejection, I am sacrificing the development of satisfying relationships.

Deep connections can’t grow without vulnerability and authenticity. I have to be honest with how I feel towards the person. They deserve it. Because my fear also withholds the joy the receiver might have in knowing how important the gift is.

So for my sake and theirs, I’ve been trying to change how I give a gift, by being explicit as to why I gift a particular item to another person. It’s a risk, but I need to believe it’s worth it.

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Sidenote: Gifts are really important to me. Gifts can be symbols of relationships for me. Gifts have the capacity to show how another person views me and can expose the character of the giver. But I also know some people are just really bad gift givers, like really bad, like gives a bejeweled ash tray bad. It’s okay, I can see your heart in it, I’m still your friend.