A friend once invited me on a road trip. “Hey, planning to go to LA. Down?” My first thought was it was an accident. She texted the wrong person. I wasn’t actually invited. I can be insecure that way. I’m asked to a road trip or a party or a dinner and I think it’s not for me.
I get invited to the table, but sit silently because I’m too busy asking myself if I belong. I wonder if everyone else is wondering why I’m here. Good things happen to me and I ask why. I’m too busy questioning it. I don’t let myself enjoy it. It’s like I don’t want to believe I’m welcomed. I’m not as cool as the people sitting beside me, or as pretty or as stylish or as cultured. I don’t deserve to sit alongside them.
But sitting at the table isn’t about deserving it. It’s about connection. It’s about looking for the ways we are similar in values. And it’s not just about the similarities, it’s about understanding our differences, appreciating the quirks. We mistake fitting in as belonging. But it’s not the same at all.
“In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely – it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.” – Brene Brown
When I mistake fitting in as belonging, I allow myself to feel less than. Always less pretty or less stylish or less cultured than the other people at the table. Fitting in comes from a need to demonstrate my worth to others.
I need to believe I belong. I need to repeatedly remind myself with increasing conviction that I am enough as I am.
Whenever I have the courage to speak this aloud, what a mess I am and how imperfectly I fit, often times, the person beside me will admit the same feelings. Their own doubts, their own struggles. That’s where the hope lies, in not being the only one carrying these heavy thoughts. Makes it all a little lighter.
It seems the braver I am to speak this aloud at the table, the more courage it gives others to do the same. It creates less stigma over being unconfident. And it gives permission to be imperfect, to be enough as we are.
I guess if no one perfectly fits in, we all belong.
Man this is exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing this, thank you for sharing you
Thank you for sitting at the table and admitting the same feelings.
I made peace with my imperfections ever since I started my senior year of high school. You embrace them as you get older throughout the years and stop caring what people think about you and putting yourself down less often then you would before
“I made peace with my imperfections” is such a strong statement, I’m glad you have the strength to say it.
My friend spoke over me the other day and declared that I do have a seat at the Lord’s table because He says so, and I didn’t have to change or do anything to have that seat.
Such good words, Janele. I am so glad you created this page for the world to read.
I’m so happy you have a friend who’ll remind you of your place at the table.